LIFE BEHIND THE BADGE: To Be or Not to Be

When Shakespeare penned the timeless words “To, be or not to be, that is the question” he asked a multifaceted question, applicable in every aspect of life.
A much more modern writer got me thinking about these questions recently. After watching the movie “End of Watch” I walked out with the same feeling I’ve felt many times since I married my LEO. The feeling can’t be tied up with a pretty word like “love” or “happiness” but is so much more. It’s a feeling of intense love, inexplicable fear, endless compassion, and complete devotion.
After watching the many scenes in the movie that so closely paralleled my life, especially the wedding scene, I began to ask myself, if I knew then what I know now would I fall in love with this man? Would I have walked down the aisle with a smile on my face if I knew how many times I would feel the utter terror of knowing he would give his life to save another’s? Would I have promised forever if I knew that if asked he would give up our forever to save someone else? Wouldn’t it be easier to just not love him so damn much?
To be, or not to be, that is the question.
To be the one at home, that would never call 911 because I know that the officer that responds is someone’s everything. Because I know that I resent the public that expects him to lay everything on the line to protect them, even though every time he does, the chance that my world as I know it will end is very real.
To be the one at home, lying in bed, listening for the sound of heavy boots in the hallway, his voice telling dispatch he’s 10-42, the click of the radio in the charger, and the tear of Velcro.
Or to not have any clue about the reality our men and women on the thin blue line face every day. To not know that if you call 911, the man that responds has a wife at home worrying that the routine call you just called him out for will be his last.
For me it’s not really a question. It’s reality. It would be easier to not love him so much, a whole lot easier. But the hard stuff is the stuff that’s worth it.